If countries have themes, Borneo's is being covered in chuffing ants

Well I haven’t been running too much because I’ve knackered my ankle. So maybe I will update you on some of our antics in Singapore and Borneo.

SARAWAK CULTURAL VILLAGE

We only went to the Cultural Village by accident when the reception staff at our resort advised us they might sell us beer. There was no beer but we were treated to a very strange cultural experience. It seems the culture of Sarawak involves chasing people from room to room whilst trying to tell them about pepper grinding in broken English.

However the real treat of the experience was the “show”. Every member of staff kept going on about the Show with an enthusiasm that was creepy. “Don’t forget to go to Show” they would say or “Show starts erreven thirty!” I was worried that the Show would involve being hypnotised into thinking that the Cultural Village was really good, but Sarah insisted so at 11.30 we trotted off to the theatre. What happened next was strange but we definitely left thinking that the Cultural Village was REALLY GOOD!

How do I describe it? A cultural soup of dancing airhostesses, jazz hands and a 20 minute Glockenspiel solo. There was audience participation and a clog dancing finale! Marvellous! But the best thing about it was that it contained The Man That Loves His Job (TMTLHJ). We had noted him early on in the show as he seemed to be doing his own versions of most of the dances. We had even speculated that all the staff in the Cultural Village were rotated and he’d be back on gift shop duty tomorrow. But Oh! How wrong we were!

TMTLHJ really came into his own when he performed a solo dance about the Hunter Gatherer catching his prey in the forest. Apparently the people of Sarawak prey mostly on balloon. But anyhow it involved a loin cloth, cycling shorts and an Alsatian skin. It also involved a BLOW DART GUN! We were treated to a ten minute spectacle of hopping about, hamming it up, walking amongst the audience and firing the darts at balloons. At one point a giggling Malay schoolgirl was dragged on stage for a go of the blow gun and at this point Sarah and I cringed so much we nearly turned ourselves inside out. He loved his job though. Loved it.

Other highlights included a man balancing on top of a long pole and spinning on his stomach, before running off stage hunched over and gripping his abdomen. Probably straight to the trauma unit of Kuching hospital.

Needless to say we left the auditorium with tears drying on our faces, if that is hypnosis it really works!

That will do for now, maybe later I will explain to you people why Sarah now wants the jungle to fuck right off and is lobbying for more slash and burn. But that, my friends, is another story.

See more pics here

And just what exactly are you looking at?

Well 2008 is underway and we are all seriously thinking about training for the Edinburgh Marathon. I’ve even been running a few times. Hannah is threatening us with the Serpentines Track Training. I don’t actually know what this is, but I am hoping it involves lying on a track with the eyes closed while nubile young men rub oils into you and feed you maltesers. However I suspect it is going to be more like running round and round in circles at gathering speeds, before finally collapsing and being sick over your hands. Hannah seems to think it’s going to hurt anyway.

My last attempt at a run was rather abortive and ended prematurely with me having a bit of a lie down on the pavement after falling down a big hole in the ground. Some serious injuries were incurred including a twisted ankle, a bit of grit embedded so deeply in my hand that it had to be removed by open hand surgery and a shattered pelvis.

Ok not the pelvis.

So let’s have another go tonight. I’m aiming for about 4.5 miles, maybe 5 if I feel superhuman.

Oh dear.